Navy Ship Crashes, East Fingeria Forms Dictatorship, World’s First Kickflip – Finger News: 7/25/19


Hello and welcome back to Finger News! [Sighs]
I regret to inform all Finger News viewers
that Fingosla will not be able to make it to the Finger News set for an interview. Anyway, onto our first story. Fingoff, the current leader of East
Fingeria, has been discovered to be fake! It turns out Fingoff is actually Fingon in disguise. We believe Fingon disguised himself so he
may keep leading East Fingeria, while a double was paid off and intimidated by Fingon
to take imprisonment for him. While East Fingeria was under
the rule of Fingon’s disguised self, a new dictatorship was
established. According to international law it is illegal
to change this government, thanks to a loophole. Of course this won’t last forever, as legislators
of international law may change these laws to remove the loophole. We
expect a change within the next few months. In our next story a plane has been hijacked. Less than twenty minutes
ago, about the length of ten Finger News episodes, it is believed a finger from the FINGOD terrorist
group hijacked a commercial airplane and continued to fly that plane until he was about fourty-two
thousand feet above his home. He then realized there were no parachutes
on board, so he decided to terrorize passengers of the airplane by [Pauses, stutters] inhumanely by showing cursed
films depicting sliced bologna. Everything turned out fine in the end. The terrorist safely landed the plane on a
field after the act of terrorism took place. The airplane’s passengers are receiving therapy
as we speak, to help them cope with the terrorism that took place. For our third story a navy ship had accidentally
crashed into the Finger News set. Roughly a fortnight ago a navy ship was being
transported by multiple helicopters, when a cable broke loose. The edition we were filming at that time has
been scrapped due to the accident. This footage was captured moments before the
accident. Wow. Ferrets really are vicious
creatures. Sadly, my stunt triple was busy that day. Anyway, my opinion on th- [Loud ship horn followed by a crashing noise] Sadly, my stunt triple was busy that day. All that matters is I
turned out okay. Finga, our editor, camera operator, traffic
reporter, weather reporter, channel manager, script editor,
boom operator, and screenplay writer sadly did not turn out so well. Finga was placed in the hospital for twelve
days. The studio and its crew have physically recovered
since the accident. Speaking of Finga, here he is now for the
weather report. [Indistinguishable Underwater Talking] Thanks, Finga. For our fourth and final story, a skateboarder
named Finger Hawk has landed the world’s first kick flip. For an unknown reason, when the record was
submitted to the Fingolli Record Book, no video was submitted for proof. Instead, the managers of the Fingolli Record
Book just took his word for it after Finger Hawk sent them this picture. And now, a quick update of Finger News. A fair amount of effort has been
put into organizing Finger News. The previous map of the U.F.S. has been replaced
by this newer, more accurate map. Finga has improved his script writing and
now does it all digitally. Hopefully within a year the Finger Movie will
be out. If not, we will be blaming it on budget cuts. That’s all we have for this edition of Finger
News! Tune in next time, because we hear an accident
will take place on a construction site in Fingaladon.

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